I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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