Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
