we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
