God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I met the friendliest cop last night
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle