Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
