Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
