When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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