i don't really know how much tequila is too much
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
