watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
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