i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
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