I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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