You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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