I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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