It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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