So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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