They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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