This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
