why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
