I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
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