dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
