I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
