I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
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