i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
