I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
