Even water is tasting like jack daniels
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
