PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize