Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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