When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Congratulations! We have a period
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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