he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Randomize
