im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Tornado booty call.. dedication
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
