you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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