i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
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