There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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