my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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