i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Holy sore nipples Batman
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
