i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
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Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
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You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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