You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
