There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Randomize
