He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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