For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
