yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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