The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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