i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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