youre lurking in front of me
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
