We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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