Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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