you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
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Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
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I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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