I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
