I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
It was like getting head from an anaconda
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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