I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
