apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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