Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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