According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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