im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
