Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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