I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Randomize
