I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
