Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
