You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
